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No Chicken, No Olives, No Peace: My Quirky, Reluctant Journey into the Mediterranean-ish Way of Eating
Lately, I’ve been deep in the weird little rabbit hole of weight-loss influencers—people sipping tiny kale smoothies, filming themselves from flattering overhead angles, and declaring victory thanks to GLP-1s, intermittent fasting, and calorie deficits. You’d think they’d cracked some kind of metabolic Da Vinci Code. But here’s what I’m actually noticing: they’re not changing what…
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How the Hell Did I Get Here? (And Can Someone Send a Tow Truck?)
I was born small—like, Scotia small. Under seven pounds, which, in the grand scheme of baby sizes, is somewhere between “adorable little peanut” and “fragile Victorian orphan.” I was also short and wiry and apparently so hyperactive that adults were constantly trying to feed me, as if calories might somehow weigh me down enough to…
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Oh, The Waits That I Hate!
Oh, I hate to wait, I despise it, I do! I hate waiting in lines, I hate queues upon queues. At Disneyland? Torture. The airport? A test. Even the drive-thru puts me under duress! I tap and I fidget, I grumble, I stew. The fries take forever—what’s taking them, glue? I stand in the checkout,…
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I have Orville Redenbacher in my chest playing Dueling Banjos. What have you got?
Atrial fibrillation—affectionately (and somewhat accurately) known as “Afib”—is like when your heart decides to go full jazz improv but forgot to tell the rest of the band. Picture a jazz pianist suddenly slamming out random notes while the rest of the orchestra sits there, stunned, wondering, “What in the bebop hell is happening?” That’s your…