I was having this conversation about the ocean, and swimming, and so the more I thought about the more anxious I became.

This is dedicated to a dear, sweet friend of mine who lives on a big beautiful sailboat, ⛵️on the ocean, sailing around the world, where she gleefully swims and frolics in the ocean. 🌊 ❤️❤️❤️

Reasons I Will Absolutely, Unequivocally NOT Swim in the Ocean:

1. It’s a Giant, Salty Mystery Broth.

The ocean is basically the universe’s soup. And not a good soup. Like, if clam chowder had trauma. It’s murky, it’s unpredictable, and it’s full of things that squish, sting, or nibble you without buying you dinner first.

2. Sharks Exist.

You know what doesn’t exist in your bathtub? SHARKS. Or anything with 300 teeth and no chill. I don’t care how rare shark attacks are—so is getting struck by lightning while holding a winning lottery ticket, and yet here we are, avoiding both.

3. Whales are TOO BIG.

I respect whales. Love a good whale docuseries. But if I saw one next to me in the water, I would die on the spot and become plankton. That’s not majestic. That’s me getting emotionally obliterated by the sheer size of an aquatic bus.

4. It’s a Giant Toilet.

I don’t swim in toilets. I don’t even linger near the toilet after Taco Tuesday. But the ocean? It’s the bathroom of every sea creature. You think that wave splashing you is pure water? HA. That’s plankton pee and whale farts. Enjoy that exfoliation.

5. It’s Uninviting.

No sea creature has ever sent me an invitation. No clam RSVP. No polite jellyfish asking if I mind being brushed. It’s trespassing, really. And I’m not getting stung or bitten because I showed up unannounced to the underwater HOA meeting.

6. Too Many Horror Movies.
   I’ve seen Jaws. I’ve seen The Meg. I saw Finding Nemo and even that stressed me out. Not trying to be sushi, thank you. The ocean has plot twist energy and I’m not here for it.
7. Waves are Personal Attacks.

Why does the ocean slap you in the face every five seconds? I don’t go into Starbucks and get punched by a barista, so why am I paying for a beach vacation just to be thrown down like I owe Poseidon money?

8. Lakes Are Suspicious, Too.

I watched Piranha in eighth grade and now I trust nothing. If I can’t see the bottom, that water is possessed. I don’t care if it’s a lake, a river, or a puddle. What’s down there? I’ll never know. Because I’m staying up here.

9. Cruise Ship Only—With Rules.

Yes, I’ll cruise. Yes, I’ll wave at the sea. But you will not catch me on the deck at night. That’s when the water whispers things like, “Join us…” and I’m too emotionally fragile for that level of Titanic reenactment.

10. Pirate Music.
    You ever stand near the railing at night and just hear creepy sea shanties in your brain? That’s a warning. That’s ancestral trauma telling you to go back inside, get a daiquiri, and avoid becoming a ghost story.

So yeah. Hard pass. I’ll wave at the ocean from the beach while eating chips and not worrying about jellyfish stings, rogue waves, or getting swallowed by a kraken. 🐙